The loss of a loved one often comes as a huge shock. Louise Voss draws on her own experience to offer practical advice on how best to cope with the initial feelings of grief.<\/p>\n
Losing a loved one is probably the most unpleasant, painful experience that we as human beings will ever suffer, and these days, it\u2019s far less common than it ever was in previous generations.\u00a0 Obviously this is a good thing \u2013 but it does mean that when bereavement occurs, it is seen much less as \u2018a part of life\u2019s rich tapestry\u2019, and much more of a frightening, alien event.\u00a0 The reactions of others can often make a bereaved person feel even more alone and down, so it is important to understand what could help someone cope with a loss \u2013 and, if you are the one suffering the loss, how others might perceive it.<\/p>\n
When I was 18, my beloved father died after a short battle with cancer.\u00a0 It was many years ago now, but certain things still stick in my mind, both negative and positive.\u00a0 I remember Mum crying because people she knew well were crossing the street to avoid her.\u00a0\u00a0 I was furious at the time, but both Mum and I eventually came to understand that it wasn\u2019t because they were shunning her; it was simply that they had no idea what to say that would be in any way helpful.\u00a0 They were afraid of saying the wrong thing.\u00a0 As a result, I always now contact bereaved friends \u2013 nothing over the top, but a simple \u2018I\u2019m so sorry for your loss.\u00a0 Please let me know if there\u2019s anything at all I can do to help,\u2019 or a heartfelt, \u2018I\u2019m there for you whenever you need me, day or night.\u2019<\/p>\n
A lady from church wrote such a moving letter to my mother that I can still remember parts of it all these years later:\u00a0\u00a0\u2018For you, my dear, and for the family, there is no easy way\u2026\u2019\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0It was so honest and caring, and it meant more to all of us than she would ever know, even though she wasn\u2019t even a particularly close family friend.\u00a0\u00a0 I know of others who say they still cherish such supportive letters from friends, and that they really do help through the worst of times.<\/p>\n Bereavement itself is never just one feeling, but a whole myriad of different emotions that come at different times with differing intensity and duration, depending on the depth and closeness of relationship with the deceased, and the personality of the bereaved.\u00a0 The K\u00fcbler-Ross model is commonly accepted as the five most definitive stages of grief\u00a0 (introduced by\u00a0Elisabeth K\u00fcbler-Ross<\/a>\u00a0in her 1969 book\u00a0\u00a0On Death and Dying<\/em>):\u00a0 from\u00a0disbelief\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0(shock and numbness) into\u00a0anger,<\/strong>\u00a0then\u00a0bargaining\u00a0<\/strong>(\u2018if only I\u2019d said or done something different\u2026\u2019 or even, \u2018I wish I\u2019d died instead\u2019),\u00a0 into\u00a0depression<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 which can often be the longest stage –\u00a0 and finally into\u00a0acceptance<\/strong>.<\/p>\n You should not feel surprised, though, if the grieving process is not what you might have expected, or have seen in other people \u2013 everyone is different.\u00a0 The key thing is to be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve in your own time, and don\u2019t shut yourself off from the world.<\/p>\n When Dad died, I was astonished that I did not cry, not for several days. I felt completely numb. I remember going for lengthy walks alone, around town, at night.\u00a0 My mother, brother and I seemed to disappear into our own separate worlds, and I don\u2019t recall really communicating with either of them at all, for a long time \u2013 which is awful to look back on. I think we were afraid of each other\u2019s emotions. It would have been healthier to sit together and cry, but we couldn\u2019t. In the end, about four days later, a friend took me for a long walk in the forest, and it was then that I finally crumbled \u2013 and felt much better for it afterwards. It\u2019s not good to repress the grief \u2013 it will always find some way of coming out eventually and possibly in a more damaging form, such as physical illness or mental breakdown.<\/p>\n One of the myths about mourning is that it has an ending point, that if you just wait long enough, it suddenly stops hurting. It doesn’t. It requires work. More than time, bereavement takes effort to heal. Mourning is a natural and personal process that only you can pace. It cannot be rushed and it cannot happen without your participation.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n On Being Alone: A Guide for the Newly Widowed (AARP leaflet)<\/p>\n \u00a0It is equally important, though, to know that you\u00a0will\u00a0<\/strong>get over it, in time, and you will be able to lead a normal, happy life once more.\u00a0 It\u2019s a clich\u00e9, but such a truism too:\u00a0 time is indeed a great healer.<\/p>\n Tips for coping with the immediate aftermath of a bereavement:<\/p>\n –\u00a0 If possible, have a friend or family member with you to look after you for the first few days.<\/p>\n – Go to see your GP.\u00a0 Get sleeping pills for short-time relief if you aren\u2019t sleeping.<\/p>\n – Accept practical help offered from friends, neighbours or family \u2013 having something to do for you will make them feel better too.<\/p>\n – Talk to any of the organizations listed below.<\/p>\n – If the death is unexpected, give yourself at least 24 hours before making any decisions regarding funeral arrangements.<\/p>\n – Don\u2019t drink to excess \u2013 it won\u2019t help.<\/p>\n – Try not to take it personally if people behave slightly oddly towards you.<\/p>\n Contacts for Further Help and Information<\/strong><\/p>\n Bereavement Advice Centre<\/strong>\u00a0offers\u00a0<\/strong>offers advice on all aspects of bereavement. Helpline:\u00a00800 634 9494<\/strong><\/p>\n Compassionate Friends<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0<\/strong>is an organisation of bereaved parents and their families offering support after the death of a child or children. The helpline is always answered by a bereaved parent who is there to listen. Helpline:\u00a00845 123 2304<\/strong>;\u00a0email:\u00a0info@tcf.org.uk<\/a><\/p>\n Child Bereavement<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0is a national charity to help\u00a0grieving families and the professionals who care for them. Support and Information Line:\u00a001494 446648<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Cruse Bereavement Care<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0provides counselling and support, and offers information, advice, education and training services.\u00a0www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk<\/a><\/p>\n Helpline: 0844 477 9400;\u00a0email:\u00a0helpline@cruse.org.uk<\/a><\/p>\n RD4U<\/strong>\u00a0(Cruse Bereavement Care’s young persons services). Helpline:\u00a00808 808 1677<\/strong>;\u00a0email:\u00a0info@rd4u.org.uk<\/a><\/p>\n National Association of Widows<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0is a\u00a0self-help organisation, run by widows, for widows, that offers comfort, friendship and a listening ear to widows and unmarried women who have lost a partner through bereavement. Tel: 0845 838 2261; email:\u00a0info@nawidows.org.uk<\/a><\/p>\n Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS)<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>www.uk-sands.org<\/a>\u00a0Helpline:\u00a0020 7436 5881<\/strong>,\u00a0email:helpline@uk-sands.org<\/a>.<\/p>\n Samaritans<\/strong>\u00a0Helpline: 08457 90 90 90,\u00a0email:\u00a0jo@samaritans.org<\/a><\/p>\n